Answered Prayers

Day 7 of treatments is completed! Today was a much better day for her. I really honestly dont know who reads any of this blog but yesterday was a tuff day for her and last night I prayed so hard that God would give my mom peace and comfort today. I wrote about it last night in this blog. My sister sent me this picture today and I can tell you the first time I looked at it today… I had to take a deep breath as I had to hold back the tears. She just looked so much more at ease today. Talked to my stepdad today and he told me she was very tired tonight but she really enjoyed her evening. Thank you God for listening and answering my prayers. I know there were some very special guardian angels watching over her today!

This picture is beautiful and it melts my heart. I don’t know exactly why…I just think its beautiful and speaks louder then any words I can write tonight.

I love my beautiful mama!

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Frustrated with Life

Day 6 of treatments is completed! Another treatment under her belt and that make one less one to complete.

I talked to her today and tonight. She didnt rest to much today but she has been irritable because of the high dose of steroids she is on. The radiation doctor (1 of her oncologist doctors) isn’t taking her off the steroids and said next week they would do a trial and try and ease her off them and see how she does. Her appetite has still been very good and not getting sick which is probably because of the steroids but she is having other side effects from being on all the steroids. She meets with her other oncologist tomorrow and with the Brain doctor on Friday. She defiantly has a very busy week ahead of her.

She was very confused and frustrated this afternoon when I talked with her. She is slowly getting weaker. She had a headache today as well too. When I talked to her tonight she seemed less confused but was tired and had a headache again. She told me tonight she was frustrated… I asked her why and she told me “because of life”. Its hard to see her have to go through this all and deal with everything. She has always been so strong, independent and very precise about things. I told her tonight that I would be coming down in a couple weeks when the kids and I had spring break and she told me.. “your going to have to remind me. I forget everything, all the time. I just cant remember anything.” As much as I encourage her and try to stay strong and positive it is so hard. I know this all hurts her. I couldn’t imagine. I only know how it is to be her daughter and to have no answers and can only support her and pray.

I was thinking tonight that everything that she has always know and been able to do all on her own has been taken from her. Now I watch and see her trying to piece herself together as Cancer has totally change the puzzle pieces of her life. I wish this wasn’t so frustrating for her. I know today wasn’t a great day for her but the day is done and she has successful completed it. I hope she rests easy tonight. I hope tomorrow she wakes up ready to continue to fight and I pray that God not only gives her strength but that he gives her rest and comfort tomorrow. She needs it so much.

It’s scary to see how much things change and how fast they can change. It is important to keep faith though. I had a friend tell me yesterday that she meet a lady at church that was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer and after two weeks she had went to stage 1. Miracles do happen. They say God is never late. His miracles always come at he right time. All you need in faith and patience. I believe that God is working a miracle with my mom and I am waiting patiently for him to show us. Please keep your prayer warriors praying for my mama.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths.” ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

Wanted to share a picture with you all of my mama before all of this!!! She has always been spunky and full of life! This picture makes me smile<3

Day 4…Angels watching

Day 4 is complete and under my mama’s belt! Today came with the good and the bad. I know my mama is so frustrated with all the things that she is so use to doing by herself, for herself and her everyone else. All the simple things we do everyday…..such as making dinner, taking a shower, walking to the bathroom, going to get a haircut… all of these things that seem so simple and are part of our everyday lives, has become a task for my mama. Asking for help has always been so hard for her and now she has no choice but to ask. I am the same as my mama in this aspect.. I’m stubborn, independent and like things done a certain way. I can’t imagine her frustration. Talked to my stepdad earlier and today has been a tuff day for her today and I hope tomorrow is better for her. I hope and pray that God gives her the comfort in having to accept the help that she needs right now but strength to keep her still strong.

Today I thought I would share some more insight of who my mama truly is… I don’t even know if I can express her in words. She is certainly one-of-a-kind! She is strong, stubborn, independent. She is a firecracker and she is funny! She loves to laugh and to make others happy. She is human, she has made mistakes but she has learned and bettered herself. She has always held her head high. She loves her husband and her dog. She loves her children and her grandchildren. She loves her family more then anything. She carries hurt from things people have said and done, but she will walk away and carry the pain inside. It takes her a lot to blow up but when she does you had better watch out. She is very straight forward but she is honest. She hates spiders. She loves to help others, she will give you the shirt off her back even if it means she has to struggle to put one of hers. She is a sister, a daughter, a friend, a wife and a mother.

She loves hard, she loves deep.

She is amazing.

Tonight my stepdad took her to get her head shaved again. It was cold and a lot of work. As hard as it was for my stepdad to take her to Wal-Mart.. I find comfort in knowing that she is still stubborn and sassy enough that she believed it HAD to be done. I’m thankful that I have an amazing stepdad who takes AMAZING care of my mama and who loves her the way he does! Through all of this the lady that shaved her head tonight was kind enough not to charge them anything for doing it. It’s the little things and it is these simple things that remind us that there are even angles here on earth that do things out of the goodness and kindness of their heart. To do something for someone you don’t know and know that person can do nothing at all for you… is a sign of character. To the lady that shaved my mama’s head tonight…. thank you<3 It may have been simple but I do not know if she will ever know how big of a deal it was for my mama to get it done.

I know many of you don't know her besides that a month ago she was diagnosed with brain cancer. She is so much more then that though and she has endure so much and won every battle. Today she completed day 4 of treatments as well as surviving brain surgery as well as living everyday with MS all within the last month. Yes she has angels surrounding her! I know not only my papa and grandma and sister are watching over her but God is too. Everything that God allows to come our way is for a purpose. He uses every heartache and struggle to create us into the better person he has intended for us to become. No pain is ever wasted and I know he several Angels surrounding my mama…even through this pain.

Even through all of this I find comfort in knowing that everyday from now until forever this beautiful lady is my mother. I pray for her every day. I have been told to pray hardest when it is hardest to pray. Even on the tuff days if nothing else I say the Lords prayer. I know God will always keep giving and I know he is providing not only for my mama but for our family. I know that praying is a privilege and I cant lose sight of that.

I know there are angels working in my mama's life right now, I know God is working in her life. I know that God is working in my family's life and I know that angels are working in our lives as well. To our Angels watching over all of us… thank you! Sometimes we have angels here on earth too and I'm thankful for them too!

My mama completed her second day of full brain radiation today. Yesterday was her first day she did really well and was ready for food as soon as she got out. Today she completed her second day of radiation and did very well. She was a little weaker today but my stepdad told me today she was a lot less confused. I’m not sure if that has anything to do with the radiation or not but regardless I am happy that her confusion wasn’t bad today. I talked to her a few times today and talked to her before bed tonight and she seemed happy as always to talk to me and make sure to ask me how my day was, how Chris and I were and how the kids were. She was very tired tonight but is still in good spirits and still has her sense of humor. I’m so proud of her and I’m thankful that she is doing everything to fight this battle head on.

For myself today has been a very big reality check. Who am I kidding today has been horrible! Today marks ONE MONTH since my mama got diagnosed. I can’t believe how much life has changed in one month. I miss my mom so much and everyday I hate that I am so far away from her. I think its both a blessing and curse to feel so deeply.

Eleanor Roosevelt wrote “We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face…we must do that which we think we cannot.”
This rings so true to me. All three of these thing I feel in this very moment I am lacking. I am still consumed with a lot of anger. When she was still in the hospital we would shut the tv and lights off and just talk before we feel asleep. I remember asking my mama if she was angry and she told me “well shit yeah I am”. It was quite and then she finally said I’m angry but it doesn’t matter about being angry. Being angry wont change anything and I just have to fight and I know its going to be hard and I know I’m going to get sick but what other choice do I have. That night I asked her to please fight and I told her I wasn’t ready for her to leave me. I still am angry and I have decided I have to learn to let the anger go because I do not want bitterness in my heart….I’m not sure how to do this other then to just try everyday and keep praying. I understand today that no matter how angry I am… Its not going to change the reality of the situation.

My other problem is the fear and the worry I am carrying around. They say “to worry” is liking sitting in a rocking chair. It will give you something to do but it wont get you anywhere. I remember hearing a story about a huge storm over the sea, with huge waves, lightening, wind and in the middle of it all there was a little bird in the crevice of the rocks, sound asleep….sleeping through the horrible storm. As much as I do not want to just be numb and sleep through this journey, I want that peace and that is what I pray for everyday.. is the peace not only for myself but for my entire family. I pray that through all the confusion, bewilderments and perplexities of this journey we find the peace and comfort that little bird had and the ability to weather this storm and know it is going to be ok. God is the only one who can bring us all peace and relax us and put our hearts as rest. I know I have to trust God and he will do that.

I have a really hard time talking and opening up about my feelings. I do have to say though I have had some great people who I really NEVER would have thought would be here for me the way they are. There are a few people I wish were here for me but I have no control over it. This is truly one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with and on a daily basis I feel like I want to break down at least 50 times a day and just cry.. I wait till night though after my kids are in bed and I cry. Today is another day that is under my mama belt and that brings a smile to my face. I will continue to try and figure out this internal struggle and accept this situation in the most positive way that I can for her. I know God has a plan and I know in my heart he is guiding my family and loving us as he always has.

Here is to a better day tomorrow and for day 3 under my mamas belt. She is pretty damn AMAZING!!!

The Beginning….The Clouds

On Saturday Jan 25th 2014 My beautiful mother was diagnosed with Brain Cancer. On Tuesday Jan 28th 2014 she underwent brain surgery. One of her tumors is inoperable and the other they removed as much as they could. She is about to start full brain radiation and chemotherapy. She has been in good spirits and is ready to fight. I am starting this blog mostly to have an outlet as I am deeply struggling with all of this. My mom being diagnosed with brain cancer is the scariest thing that I have thus far encounter in my life. I am very uncertain of why GOD has gave my mother this journey and this battle to fight and I’m uncertain as to why he gave this journey to us as a family. I have been through so many emotions and I am struggling and fighting many that I feel. I wish I could rewind time and that it was 4 weeks ago when life felt normal. I wish all of this was a dream. My mother is one of the precious people in my life and I cannot imagine my life with out her. I am overwhelmed with fear in my heart and I have never felt fear, hurt and pain like this. I can’t stop tears. I’m angry… I’m angry at cancer and I’m angry at God. I know that is ok and I know God understands even right now in this moment….” I Don’t”. I pray everyday he guides me and that he keeps me close to him and that he gives my heart peace, even though I’m angry. She has always been the person to give me strength and encourage me to be a better person and a strong woman. I feel so weak and I have to be strong for her. I want nothing more then my mama to hold me and tell me “this shall pass and everything will be ok”. I don’t know how this journey is going to end… I just know this is the beginning and I love her dearly and I as her daughter will stand by and support her and love her as I always have and I always will.

Words from the last Devotion I read with my mama the day I left:

“Many times I have set on my porch and watched the clouds below. I have thought of the clouds of discouragement and suffering that temporarily veil the sunlight of God’s love from us. Many people live with a cloud hanging over their lives. Some may be hospital beds; others are suffering discouragement and bereavement. A heavy cloud hangs over them.”

The bible has a great deal to say about clouds. For they sometimes symbolize the spiritual forces which obscure the face of God. The Bible indicates that clouds are given to us for a purpose and that there is glory in the clouds and that every cloud has a silver lining. It is written in Exodus 16:10,”They looked….and, behold, the glory of the LORD appeared in the cloud.” Without the clouds there would be no lavish sunsets, no rain, no light, no beautiful, picturesque landscapes.

As my heart knows there are many clouds to come my family’s way during this journey….I am searching for the silver linings because God’s word tells me they are there. I am searching for the light behind the clouds in my life and I know beyond these trouble our father is there guiding and protecting my family.

 

Let Me Hold You

Beautiful words… hits home perfectly!